I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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