I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
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you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
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I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.