do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
