Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
