youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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