my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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