Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
