I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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