drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize