your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.