I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
