I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.