The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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