I smell stomach acid.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.