apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
