I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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