i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
