I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
