the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize