my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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