My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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