im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
