mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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