I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
