So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
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I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize