Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
