Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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