No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
