last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
