I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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