Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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