chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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