I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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