My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
