So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
