I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There are leaves in my underwear?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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