I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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