why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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