I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
