Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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