I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
