i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
