I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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