Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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