I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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