I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
