Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
