I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
