You really coming over, don't trick.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i drank out of a bidet.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
