woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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