Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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