somebody snuck up and got me drunk
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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