My cat gives me a boner
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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