I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
