i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
they need to just BURY HIM!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
