I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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