Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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