I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
