New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
