Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
