Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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