The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
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He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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